For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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