She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
