The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
