my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
