my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
