i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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