True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
