Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
