Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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