it's too hot outside to masturbate.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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