i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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