I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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