Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
