So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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