don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
