Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
