i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
