Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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