: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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