dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was like eating out sand paper
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
