It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
