so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
