even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
