Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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