Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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