so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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