Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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