Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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