May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
