Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
