Just fell off a train. Bad.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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