Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
