She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
