My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
