There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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