How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
