If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
