What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
