it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
