Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
