Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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