can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
