guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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