whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
