my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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