someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
