you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
