what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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