the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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