I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
