My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
