when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
