u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
