"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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